Part whimsy, part psychological test but mostly nosiness, The Slant’s Completely Frivolous Interview side-steps the usual spin and book-plugging in an attempt to find out what people in the public eye really think, without actually asking them directly. Though in this instance Count Arthur would like to point out he is available to listen to on Radio Four, and his website detailing his tour can be found here. http://www.komediaentertainment.com/count_arthur_strong/index.php Count Arthur Strong is a showbusiness legend, raconteur, after dinner speaker and treasurer of Whitfield Street Rhubarb Forcers Cooperative 1968-1969.
1) Tell us your name and an interesting fact about it.
COUNT ARTHUR STRONG. IT’S AN ANAGRAM OF ‘BUSY CELEBRITY’
2) What is your favourite mythical creature?
LINDSAY DU PAUL.
3) In a surprise move the whole of humanity comes together and votes you dictator for life. Tell us your first three laws.
NO SPITTING. YOU CAN ONLY EAT WHAT YOU KILL. FREE FALSE TEETH.
4) Humanity has decided you were a terrible dictator, as punishment you will have one song implanted into your mind. It will play continuously for the rest of your life. However, we will let you choose the song, what is it?
‘AUNTIE MARY HAD A CANARY’
5) Now we will place you in a time machine and exile you to a time period of your choosing, you may take nothing with you, when do you go to?
DONCASTER 1963. BEHIND THE PARISH CHURCH.
6) OK, we relent, you may take one companion, one of the Muppets, which one?
7) And one convenience, you cannot sell it or make money from it, what do you want to take?
A CHEMICAL LAVATORY
8) You must find employment in your new time, what do you think your unique talents will allow you to be?
AN ALL ROUND ENTERTAINER. JUST LIKE I AM HERE.
9) Tell us about a smell that holds the key to a memory.
BOILING CABBAGE. IT REMINDS ME OF EATING IT.
10) We love the word campervan. What is your favourite word?
CREOSOTE HAS A CERTAIN SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
11) Spiders make us scream and run off, even though we’re aware this is foolish. Does anything have a similar effect on you?
PINE THAT’S GOT TOO MANY KNOTS IN IT MAKES ME FEEL A BIT BILLIOUS.
12) OK, so we’re big girly wusses about the spiders, but we’d still like to exterminate them as a species. Of which species would you like to carry out the mandatory slaughter when you take back your rightful place as dictator?
(Thankfully, due to our magic there will be no long term enviromental effects)
13) Do you like Soya Milk?
NOT LIKELY! IT’S LIKE BABY SICK.
14) Black cats, lucky or unlucky?
DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT CATS. IF ANOTHER ONE MESSES IN MY GARDEN I’LL HIT IT ON THE HEAD WITH A SPADE.
15) Actually, having thought about it, we were far too lenient on you with that whole dictator thing and you’ve admitted to planning a coup. You’re going to have to die. We’ll go with tradition and give you a last meal, what would you like?
ANY OFFAL BASED DISH WOULD BE FINE.
16) As we have access to time travel, are there any famous people you’d like to go back in time and beat up? (No killing mind, we’ll have no paradox here.)
I’D LIKE TO GIVE WHOEVER INVENTED THE LIGHTBULB A PIECE OF MY MIND.
17) Anger is an energy, fill yourself with rage and rant about a pet peeve.
PEOPLE THAT PAY IN LOOSE CHANGE WHEN THEY’RE IN FRONT OF YOU IN THE BUTCHERS. THEY MAKE ME QUITE FURIOUS. (I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW I’VE GOT THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM).
18) Do you regularly carry out any superstitious acts?
I’M NOT SUPERSTITIOUS. I DO SALUTE WHEN I SEE A MAGPIE BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE IF I DON’T I THINK SOME BAD LUCK MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME.
19) End of interview, now I’m afraid you must die. But, you can either die from a horrible tropical disease and further the cause of science or be mauled to death by wild animals on primetime TV and provide entertainment for the masses, which would you prefer?
I WANT TO DIE ON TELEVISION THEN BE CREMATED AND HAVE A SPECK OF MY ASHES SELLOTAPED TO EVERY TELEVISION LICENCE.
Keywords: Completely Frivolous Interview