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Thursday, February 8th, 2007 at 13:10 by RJ Barker

Oh to be in England, now that winter’s here… It’s SNOWING!

And apparently it’s going to SNOW LOTS!

Now, as you read this you may be horrified by the fact that the Met Office are putting out weather warnings left right and centre and I’m jumping for joy. But here at Slant HQ I’m joyously looking forward to my first day off[1]. I know for a fact that now the first snowflake has fallen all the buses will stop. And the trains. And the roads will grind to a halt. And walking will become treacherous.

Forget flying.

And pensioners may as well start buying coffins now.

The actual weather warning that’s been issued says -

“Wednesday 7 February WEATHER WATCH The Met Office is expecting a period of heavy SNOW! to develop on Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Initially the SNOW! will fall across Southwest England and Wales before spreading to the Midlands, Southeast England and East Anglia and Northern Ireland. Accumulations of 10-15cm are possible for parts of the Midlands and Wales. The weather could cause disruption to travel networks Further updates will appear here.”

Notice they say that 15cm of SNOW! “could” cause some disruption to travel networks. It’s nice to know that the Met Office have a sense of satire.

Here are some interesting cold weather facts in lieu of an the actual news article that I’m not going to write because I’m too busy making sketches for the greatest SNOWman ever constructed.

  1. East Sussex County Council has stockpiled 9000 tonnes of salt, enough to fill 180 Million Salt Shakers.
  2. At 5.30pm in the summer the average electricity consumption is around 33 Gigawatts, in winter it rises to 57 Gigawatts as legions of cold Britons go tea crazy. You can watch real time energy consumption here *
  3. Britain’s Motorways and major A-Roads are specially constructed to be impenetrable to British weather (so far).
  4. England is ninth in the league table for excess winter deaths. We have a 19% mortality increase over non-winter deaths^.
  5. Austria is number one, just in case you’re thinking of setting up as a funeral director^.
  6. Wearing several thin layers is better for warmth than one thick one. Vest up people!

In amongst all this SNOW! malarkey you might want to pop in on any elderly neighbours. Although they’re unlikely to be up for a SNOWball fight, you might save someone from hypothermia.

1. No chance. You may have an extra lump of coal though. - Ed.
* Figures from the nice people at the Energy Retail Association and the National Grid.
^ Figures from the National Energy Action Website.

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6 Comments on “SNOW!”

  1. Eliza E. Lanyard Says:

    I love snow - yippee!!!!!!

  2. Sue Stewart Says:

    It’s already melted here. Boo.

  3. Stephen Ball Says:


    On the other hand, there is absolutely no way my trainline is getting me home tonight. They couldn’t manage it on a normal day last week without fusing the points, so any actual hinderance will finish them.

    These are the guys who were allowed to use “leaves on the track” as an official excuse.

  4. DannyMackay Says:

    My local trains are fine - but i have a 15 minute walk from the station - My bet is i’ll slip over three times…

  5. theo Says:

    An incredibly destructive substance, now a favorite with Al Quaeda. Its being made in very large quantities NOW as we speak in the U.A.E disguised as a large commercial snowslope…when the time is right it will used against us to bring the entire transport system to an unpredictable stop.

  6. Sharon Says:

    SNOW? Country “brought to a standstill” by 3 inches of the stuff? I’m old enough to remember the winter of 1963-64 - when it really SNOWED, for weeks. I don’t remember the country grinding to a halt then, though I do remember snowploughs piling the stuff really high along the edges of local roads. And I still had to go to school!

    What is happening to the UK? We can survive bombs - be it IRA or Al Quaeda, but . . . weather?

    It’s not even as if we get that much in the way of Really Serious Weather.

    In fact, given all the media coverage of the SNOW (which, BTW, missed us completely), I wonder what Real News they aren’t reporting.

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