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Tony Blair Unveils Foreign Policy Review

Monday, February 5th, 2007 at 11:45 by Matt Rhodes

How’s everyone feeling today? Alright? Bit groggy from the weekend? Well here’s something to cheer you up. Today Tony Blair will tell us all the horrible things that are likely to affect the UK over the next decade.

See? Feeling better already, aren’t you?

So, if you think you’re having a bad day so far, take a load off and peruse some highlights from Tony’s exciting new report: “Britain In The World”, or “Oh shit…” as it may become more commonly known.

Threats to security: Since the 2001 al-Qaeda attacks, the danger from foreign and ‘homegrown’ terrorists has risen. Really? Hadn’t noticed.

Weapons of mass destruction: Apparently this represents a ’serious challenge’, with the focus on North Korea and Iran. It’s one that could get a whole lot worse as other countries obtain nuclear technology. The icing on the cake? There is ‘no clear solution’. Excellent.

Energy: At the moment Russia and Iran control 40% of world’s gas reserves, so as we prepare to start buying our oil and gas from other countries, it is estimated that by 2020 ‘half of the world’s oil production will occur in potentially unstable regions’. That is, at least, if we can refrain from bombing the crap out of them.

Climate change: A real ozone lacking hot potato of a subject, but it’s not just bizarre weather and hosepipe bans we’ve got to worry about. The paper predicts major political and security repercussions inside Iraq, Iran, Russia, China, India and Afghanistan as a result of Mother Nature’s revenge tactics.

Disease: HIV-Aids epidemics are expected which will lead to huge economic and social changes especially in Africa where the scale of the problem is so large it is already interfering with the running of some states. However, eastern Europe and Asia are also at risk. We can also expect the ‘high risk of an influenza pandemic’ (which is worse than an epidemic, I looked it up) with poor countries being in the most danger.

Balance Of Power: A major shift is expected as countries like China, India, Brazil and Russia flex their economic muscles and become a force to be reckoned with. Along for the ride are Japan and Germany as well.

The paper concludes that Europe doesn’t have a pot to piss in compared to America, therefore the good ol’ USofA will remain the dominant world power for at least the next 10 years.

Looks like we’ll be continuing our ’special relationship’ then. Like the mute and slightly dim wife of a rather aggressive husband, we will wander the globe hand in hand, interfering and generally messing things up. He’ll get all shouty in a restaurant and we’ll sit there looking all embarrassed but stoically remain by his side as he attacks a waiter with a fork. Then we’ll laugh and say it’s just like when we went to Afghanistan.

The jolly little document was put together by the cabinet office after discussions with, to name but a few, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Margaret Beckett and Alistaire Darling.  It’s said to reflect opinion polls since 2004 on the major factors we, the public, think will affect this country the most.

So, there you go! Phew!! What a decade it’s going to be! A few wars here and there, terrorism and flu, but hey, at least we’ll still be able to talk about the weather.

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One Comment on “Tony Blair Unveils Foreign Policy Review”

  1. PudsWoods Says:

    Next up, Blair will announce that, due to the ever deepening horridness, that he will be granted emergency powers to rule indefinitely so he can singlehandedly deal with the increasing threat of Things In General. These emergency powers will usher in a new galactic empire and Blair will reveal his true intent as the evil Emperor, with the obedient Darth Jowell at his side, biding her time…

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