The United States (hail Caesar!) has banned the export of luxury items such as ipods, fine wines and cognac to North Korea as punishment for their nuclear tests late last year.

Concern was heightened after talks broke down between the country, America and the surrounding powers after just five days, with North Korea refusing to end it�??s nuclear experiments until US financial restrictions are lifted.

Early reports suggest taunting from their neighbors in south Korea who apparently were seen walking near to the border, listening to ipods, swigging cognac and generally being “cheeky”.

It is believed North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il attempted to calm his people by suggesting they all go back to listening to cassette players and gramophones. The public response was negative.

Designer label clothing such as Hugo Boss and Giorgio Armani has also been banned from export leaving the wealthier North Koreans feeling a little �??last week�?�. Other expensive products, including sports cars and jet skis, are also off the Christmas list with US commerce department spokesman Richard Mills being quoted that the goods were “carefully considered and carefully targeted” to affect only the elite.

The White House has insisted that the regular supply to the country of food-aid and medicine will not be disrupted. “If they want their jet-skis so badly, they’ll have to buy them from China. This gravy-train has ended.” said one US spokesman, just minutes after the last train full of gravy was dispatched.

5 Foot, 3 inch Jong-Il has in the past been described by certain Korean dissidents as “a vain, paranoid, cognac-guzzling hypochondriac”, and it appears such opinions have had impact in Washington. It is also known that the dictator is something of a ladies-man and there now exists rumors that the US will soon ban all exports of women. Pamela Anderson will be shot.

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Keywords: China, Cognac, iPod, Jet-skis, Kim Jong-Il, North Korea