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Doomclock Moved to Five Minutes to Midnight.

Monday, January 22nd, 2007 at 13:10 by RJ Barker

Experts re-assessing the current state of the world have moved climate change up into first position as the thing most likely to wipe out humanity. Nuclear war has now had to take back seat in our ‘things to fear’ list.

Broiled Alive

Of course, you can still be scared of being fried alive by excited electrons or slowly melting away with radiation sickness, but you should be more scared of being broiled alive by a freak heat wave or frozen to death in a Hawaiian blizzard[1].

Complete Annihilation

The Doomsday clock, a scientific device in the form of a clock used to show just how near we are to being wiped off the face of the planet has now been moved on two minutes so we’re standing at five to annihilation, or twelve to use layman’s terms. Kennette Benedict, executive director of Chigago based BAS the people who keep the Doomsday clock said, When we think about what technologies besides nuclear weapons could produce such devastation to the planet, we quickly came to carbon-emitting technologies,”


English Astronomer Royal, Sir Martin Rees said “Humankind’s collective impacts on the biosphere, climate and oceans are unprecedented. These environmentally driven threats - ‘threats without enemies’ - should loom as large in the political perspective as did the East/West political divide during the Cold War era.” Let’s hope that George and Tony are listening before we’re all whisked off to Oz in a freak twister.

Hyperbole! Beans!

So you were sat there all complacent, thinking that with the end of the cold war you could calm down a bit, maybe put your plans for a fallout shelter to one side. I’m afraid you were wrong, the boffins say so. It’s time to get out and start stocking up on as many canned goods as you can, while you’re there buy yourself a Yeti gun too, you can never be too careful.


In short, what they’re saying is we’re killing ourselves, so you, yes you reading this. I mean you! Sat there on your computer reading this. Stop it, you’re killing me, every second you have your computer on is another bit of leverage on the seal keeping the four horsemen of the Apocalypse in check. In fact, look at me, sat here typing this. I’m killing me, I’m killing us all. It’s time to panic. Yes, lets panic or at least stop typi

1. If you’re lucky enough to be the type that goes off on jaunts to Hawaii, we’re not. So if you are frozen to death in a Hawaiian blizzard my sadness will be tempered by a fair amount of me feeling ’serves you right’. Terrible thing, jealousy.

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5 Comments on “Doomclock Moved to Five Minutes to Midnight.”

  1. Rhys Wilcox Says:

    Is that 5-to-12 tonight? I want to know whether it’s worth popping out to milk for the kids’ breakfast or not.

  2. Simon Kimber Says:

    Are you working a few hours at the local dairy farm to earn the money to feed your children then Rhys?

  3. RJ Barker Says:

    All these questions, what’s the point? DOOM I TELL YOU! Doom!

  4. Rhys Wilcox Says:

    My typo. Meant to say, ‘milk the kids for breakfast.’

  5. Sue Stewart Says:

    If we’re doomed anyway, I’m leaving my pc switched on. So ner.

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