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Beagle Brought Down By Aliens! Slant Exclusive!

Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 at 15:25 by RJ Barker

Yes!  In an Exclusive, Slant only revelation we can reveal that The Beagle space probe to Mars was brought down by aliens.

Our unnamed source, who worked on the Beagle project, told this reporter that, “It was Space Aliens”.  Admittedly, he had drunk half a bottle of Tequila and this reporter had been saying all night, “It was space aliens wasn’t it?  Just say yes and I’ll leave you alone.”  And then again, Mr Unnamed didn’t so much say “it was space aliens” as he said, “Washpashealynsnowleavemealoneamgonnebesick.”

If I was a ‘Sunday Sport’ reporter this would have been the big time for me, bright lights, all the pies I could eat…  But sadly, I’m not.  So it isn’t.

But it is true that the British Space Programme has been more successful than most of us know and the government is set to capitalise on this in a bid to get ‘Da Kidz’ interested in science.  Science minister, Malcolm Wicks has called the British Space Programme a “national success story” and as it brings in over £4.8 Billion in turnover The Slant Heartily agrees.  And if more of us get to know just what we we’re up to, Mr Wicks may just succeed in drawing in a whole new generation of British Astro-scientists.

On a purely non-technical note, some of our stuff has really exciting names.  Like the “Disaster Monitoring Constellation,” which operates from a business park in Guildford[1] and uses a web of washing machine sized satellites to monitor the entire earth.  Other countries have bigger satellites but we’re the only ones looking at the whole planet.  The DMC has been used to offer assistance for disasters such as the Asian tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. The satellites also monitor environmental and weather conditions.

The Moon!

But the best thing is, we’re off to the Moon!  And we’re doing it in a sexy way - “The first mission involves hitting the Moon at high speed with penetrators while its follow-up is a lunar lander,” says satellite maker, Phillip Davies.  The company that will be doing this, SSTL, announced last week it would be launching two craft, Moonlite and Moonraker and started the project after UK astronomy funding body PPARC decided it wanted to see what use could be made of small spaceships.  A proposed 2010 launch will be cheaper than a Hollywood blockbuster and about a million times more worthwhile[2].

British Space Boffins, The Slant salutes you and hopes those pesky aliens that spoilt the Beagle project don’t get in the way.







1.  Ok, the ‘Guildford’ bit isn’t really that exciting.
2.  In my eyes anyway

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6 Comments on “Beagle Brought Down By Aliens! Slant Exclusive!”

  1. Rhys Wilcox Says:

    It’s not the size of your dish …

  2. Eliza E. Lanyard Says:

    Did you get a description of the Beagle Bashing Aliens from your informant?
    Were they green and did they have big boggly eyes?

  3. RJ Barker Says:

    He was a bit green…

  4. Jislizard Says:

    We have a space program ?

  5. fiona Says:

    oh and how come we can send ppl into space for weeks or days on end and know a damned sight more about whats up there than we do about our planets oceans?

  6. Sam Says:

    there’s probably a bit more variety in the oceans. And all that water stuff gets in the way.

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