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Science/Technology

Scientists Straighten Sheep Out

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007 at 17:17 by RJ Barker

A breakthrough in hormone balance research has allowed scientists to de-gay homosexual rams. Homosexuality among sheep has been common knowledge[1] amongst the farming and scientific community for an age.

The cure works by rebalancing the hormones in the brain. Scientists have said the main reason for this research was that about 8% of Rams don’t breed due to having a preference for other Rams rather than the stocking clad Ewe in the corner. This leads to loss of revenue and loss of revenue makes Farmers and capitalists sad.

This breakthrough, of course, has much more worrying possibilities. It’s theorised that women could ensure they give birth to heterosexual babies just by wearing a patch on their arm similar to a Nicotine patch used by smokers who wish to give up.

Allelujah! I hear the far right Christian movement sing.

But will they? After all, if the imbalance can be changed in the womb then surely God put the imbalance in there in the first place. So changing it would be altering Gods will and that’s a no-no. Could it see a rapid alteration in some Born-again thinkers opinions towards Homosexuals? Probably not. But we can always hope.

And to play devils advocate for a moment, is there really anything wrong with doing this? After all, if you’ve never experienced something you can never miss it. Maybe we should welcome this next chance to become one homogenised, same-thinking, non-differentiated, dull-as-ditchwater clone society.

Slant Writer Unit 18 signing off.

1. There may also be Lesbian sheep but as Ewes stand still to initiate sex they’re probably all rather frustrated.

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3 Comments on “Scientists Straighten Sheep Out”

  1. fiona Says:

    poor rams….man interferes again. and literally it would be better if he did ie artificial insemination instead of pumping even more hormones (are they produced in a testtube btw?)into our livestock than they already do. and come on 8%!! that still leaves 92% of straight rams to service all those ewes. hey i can count! school wasn’t a waste of time then! anyway sheep are stupid. no i’m not sheepist. its true. my father worked with shepherds and my cousin is one. sheep have hundreds of diseases to kill them and will find a hundred more different ways to kill themselves. very suicidal sheep are! so back to case in point, if gay rams get straightened out then they will have even less to bleat about to their fellow rams than they already do and if women do end up with patches to ensure heterosexual children, then our “homogenised,same thinking,non differentiated,dull as ditchwater,” society wil become even more like er…sheep!

  2. Rhys Wilcox Says:

    Well you know what they say, ‘Once you’ve had mutton, you’ll never want nothing … else.’

  3. Jislizard Says:

    If they get rid of all the gay rams then we will have fields full of scruffy animals, at least the gay rams knew how to take care of themselves.

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