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Bumper Spider Crop

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 at 10:10 by RJ Barker

Those of you who, like me, quite rightly believe spiders to be a race of evil, murderous creatures hell-bent on the destruction of the human race have more to fear than normal this year according to the Natural History Museum.

A mild winter followed by an abnormally wet spring have created a feast of insects for the eight legged servants of hell to feast on and as a consequence there are more of them and they are living longer. If this isn’t enough, it turns out that the ‘yes but they can’t hurt you,’ line trotted out by arachnid apologists is a complete lie. Probably an attempt put us at rest while spiders continue their insidious plan to dominate the world.

Spiders bite! And they bite us, here’s just a few you should be watching out for: -

The False Widow Spider. Black or dark brown cigar-shaped body. Only the female bites and the bite is not usually felt, though it’s swiftly followed by a burning sensation and radiating pain. Described as much worse than a bee or wasp sting.

Tube Web Spider.
Brown with pale markings. A sharp bite with swelling that remains painful for up to six hours.

Woodlouse Spider. Prominent jaws, an absence of hairs and a reddish carapace and legs, contrasting with a cream or grey-coloured abdomen. The bite is similar to a wasp or nettle sting.

Walnut Orb-web Spider. Plump and dark brown, mostly the males that bite. Described as between a thorn puncture and an electric shock.

Fortunately, few spiders can stand up to the might of the telephone directory. This reporter now needs to go away and scratch whilst staring suspiciously at the dark corners in his house.

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6 Comments on “Bumper Spider Crop”

  1. tyfach Says:

    Nofair! Spiders are ace - and there’s some whoppers in my garden at the moment, doing a sterling job of catching, immobilising and slurping the brains out of the true psychopaths of the arthropod world: wasps. More power to them I say…

  2. RJ Barker Says:

    Tell me that when you’re the unwilling slave of the great spider nation forced to breed wasps for food. Who’ll be laughing then eh? Not me, I’ll be quivering in a corner….


  3. tyfach Says:

    My fervent appeasement will curry me good favour with our eight-legged overlords and I shall while away my days heading-up a wasp farm just outside of Arachnidopolis, until that fateful day when the beautiful daughter of the Spider Empress takes me as her human lover and accidently bites my head off whilst sharing an ‘afterglow’ hoverfly pizza….

  4. RJ Barker Says:

    Come the revolution you shall be first against the wall. If you’re alive, otherwise we’ll do the whole ‘Mussolini’ thing with your corpse.


  5. tyfach Says:

    Hey, I’ll have ‘had a go’ on the Empress’ daughter and gotten my grubby mitts all over her spinnerets - plus pizza - I’ll die a happy man…

  6. Sarah Malaise Says:

    The best thing about spiders is that they prey on their hateful winged cousins, craneflies. Exterminate the daddylonglegs, and lots of spiders will die of starvation. Win!

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