Those of you who, like me, quite rightly believe spiders to be a race of evil, murderous creatures hell-bent on the destruction of the human race have more to fear than normal this year according to the Natural History Museum.

A mild winter followed by an abnormally wet spring have created a feast of insects for the eight legged servants of hell to feast on and as a consequence there are more of them and they are living longer. If this isn’t enough, it turns out that the ‘yes but they can’t hurt you,’ line trotted out by arachnid apologists is a complete lie. Probably an attempt put us at rest while spiders continue their insidious plan to dominate the world.

Spiders bite! And they bite us, here’s just a few you should be watching out for: -

The False Widow Spider. Black or dark brown cigar-shaped body. Only the female bites and the bite is not usually felt, though it’s swiftly followed by a burning sensation and radiating pain. Described as much worse than a bee or wasp sting.

Tube Web Spider. Brown with pale markings. A sharp bite with swelling that remains painful for up to six hours.

Woodlouse Spider. Prominent jaws, an absence of hairs and a reddish carapace and legs, contrasting with a cream or grey-coloured abdomen. The bite is similar to a wasp or nettle sting.

Walnut Orb-web Spider. Plump and dark brown, mostly the males that bite. Described as between a thorn puncture and an electric shock.

Fortunately, few spiders can stand up to the might of the telephone directory. This reporter now needs to go away and scratch whilst staring suspiciously at the dark corners in his house.

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Keywords: Animals, Evil, Fear, Hell, Nature, Phobias, Satan, Scaremongering, Servants of darkness, Spiders