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Blair slaps Gordon Brown With Wet Haddock

Saturday, September 9th, 2006 at 12:06 by Stephen Ball

Well, that was a fun week, wasn’t it? Gordon Brown pointed out that Tony Blair was killing Labour’s election chances quicker than a taxi ride in Basra, Blair accused Gordon of ‘blackmail’, and ministers started lining up on either side.

Practically everyone has been writing columns in the papers, saying “Blair must go” “Brown is the wrong choice” “I’m a Tory and I say Labour are rubbish” “Vote for me!” etc. Now we have Tony and Gordon literally shouting at each other in the hallways. (Interestingly enough, the most famous practitioner of the on-duty shouting fit these days is George Bush…)

 Most of the articles seem to think that voters will come running back to Labour if we just replace Blair with Brown, as though that changes anything at all. In fact, one poll showed that 1/5 of voters think Brown will be better, 1/5 think worse, and most won’t change their mind regardless.

How did Brown get this reputation for being any different? He’s absolutely followed Tony’s policies at every stage, on just about everything the voters care about. There’s no indication at all that he’ll change a thing. Granted, he’s talented at being “different” with economics: Gordon borrowed BIG, promising to pay it back once conditions said he needed to (at the end of the natural cycle). He then met every target for being responsible with money… by denying the cycles had finished yet. Not now, either. Yes, I know it’s been a long time, but trust me. No, still going.

Disenchanted voters don’t have a hope. Most want to move from Labour because New Labour is too far to the right. If they don’t vote for Brown (more of the same), the alternatives are The Conservatives (even further right). The Lib Dems have been invisible ever since Kennedy stepped down (and weren’t doing too well before that).

As Alan Johnson pointed out however, it’s not automatically got to be Brown who replaces Tony in Number 10. There’s actually an election for it. People could vote for someone else. At this point everyone realised he meant himself, and started laughing. Then they remembered it could also be John Reid - a thought so horrific and terrifying that they all stopped laughing immediately and went to hide behind the couch.

Of course, once this latest round of comedy is ended, people could start realising how bad things actually are. Unless we get Tony and Gordon in some kind of Roman Arena fight to the death soon, the public could stop being distracted long enough to realise that ANYONE from the Labour party could have a go. Yes, the thought that must not even be mentioned aloud… the crash of doom so bleak and disastrous we’d be reduced to mindless screaming at the mere idea…

Ruth Kelly.

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2 Comments on “Blair slaps Gordon Brown With Wet Haddock”

  1. MatGB Says:

    Ruth Kelly.

    *shudders*

    Gods no, please, not Ruth. Time for an “anyone but Kelly” campaign?

  2. Stephen Ball Says:

    There’s always time for an “anyone but Kelly” campaign.

    I was pretty scared when the Opus Dei postergirl was in charge of education, let alone community relations with muslims. Foreign policy? The Middle East? Yikes.

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