Madonna has contacted British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL), Downing Street and Whitehall to tell them about a ‘mystical’ liquid that has allegedly helped to clean nuclear waste from a Ukrainian lake. The liquid is promoted by The Kabbalah Centre, a California-based organisation that she is a member of.

The singer believes that “we won’t have a planet in 50 years” due to nuclear waste, and she and husband Guy Ritchie have been asking the government to use this substance to defeat radiation.

BNFL took their idea seriously and assembled a panel of its top scientists to investigate the liquid. The panel said it “could find no scientific basis for the claims”.

Could the mystical Jewish Kabbalah have these amazing powers? We’ll probably never know. Especially since the Kabbalah Centre has been criticised for not practicing what is usually known by the term: a western magical system which is itself based on only a small part of the original Jewish lore.

Instead they offer Kabbalah water with ‘centuries of wisdom in every drop’, and face East chanting “Chernobyl” in order to “heal the problem of nuclear waste”.

Madonna is quoted as saying “I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isnâ??t a world to conquer, whatâ??s the point?”
This correspondent (in his capacity as a private individual) heartily agrees, and hopes this means she’ll stop. Now.

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Keywords: BNFL, Guy Ritchie, Israel, Kabbalah, Madonna, Magic, Nuclear waste, The Kabbalah Centre